Is It Summer Yet?

I'm just sayin'.

Here Goes Nothing

For the first time I am "publicly" sharing some of my writing. Public, of course, only if someone reads it. Trust me this is more for me than for whoever may stumble across this blog.

Off and on through the years I have tried to be disciplined with my writing but inevitably it falls to the wayside smothered in excuses. I have no time. I have nothing worth writing about. I don't have enough content to actually create a book. What if no one likes it? What if I fail?

This was one of my writing assignments from a book I have called, "Wild Mind". Written February and March 2008

:::Take a situation, a story that is hard for you to talk about, and write about it. Write slowly, evenly, in a measured way. Don't skip over any part of it. Stay in there. It may take you several days, a week, a month to write out the whole thing. Continue to work in it until it is finished. :::

"It was out first double-date. My mind was already crowded with thoughts of our relationship and making it so vulnerable for the first time. After guarding against critics and opinions we were now letting these other two people in to view the inner-workings of 'us'. I was a little nervous. Jayme, of course was not. He was never one to spend much time analyzing what others thought of him.

Now, four years later there is much about that evening that I forget. And if it were not for the phone call I received I cannot be sure that I would remember any of it very well. With that phone call a seemingly insignificant night became a very memorable one.

We were driving to the bowling alley. It was cold. A mid-December evening and my body was still clenched tight adjusting to the cold leather seats while I waited for the heat to kick on. Jeremy drove. Caitlin beside him, and Jayme and I rode in the back. My cell phone rang. I looked and saw that it was my mom. I let it go to voicemail with the thought that I would call her later when I was not in a car with three other people.

The phone rang again. This time it was that dreaded ring when the thought crosses your mind, 'If they are calling again, something must be wrong'. So I answered it being careful not to convey my inward hesitations to my fellow passengers. We continued to drive past familiar places as I listened to my mother's voice on the other end of the phone, and what was a moment ago so familiar, now seemed so foreign. Distant really.

Though in reality she was no more than 20 miles from where I was, something seemed to separate us. A great divide. She began the conversation normally. "Hi honey, where are you?"I proceeded to tell her. She said something to the effect of, "i know this isn't the best time to tell you this, but Grampy passed away." She went on to tell me that his heart bypass surgery had initially gone well and recovery was going as normal, and in the midst of cracking jokes with the nurses, (a mighty trait of my grandfathers'), the monitors began to alarm and within seconds, he was gone.

3-1-08

I tried to process this information, as I placed on my brave face almost without knowing I had done it. For the sake of not ruining the evening, and not wanting to allow these people into even the shallowest of my emotions, I remained fairly non-expressive. I bottled the hurt, fought the tears and moved on with the evening. Jayme of course suspected more than I would allow him to see.

The evening commenced and apart from those few moments when the stillness sets in and pulls your mind to those deep places in the midst of your shallow activity, I did a great job of carrying on as if nothing had happened. The phone call was forgotten by all but me.

We bowled our last frame, bundled back up, and ventured once again into the cold. I don't remember anything about the ride home except that the wall I had built ad spent all night holding up was now beginning to tremble and my body ached from leaning against it so hard in a strained attempt to keep it up there.

By the time we had returned to Jayme's house the weight of my wall was caving in. I excused myself to go to the bathroom and instead turned the corner into Jayme's office. I found a blanket in the closet and a corner that looked suitable and I layed there and cried. No longer left with the choice not to feel the hurt. It overtook me.

Not long after, Jayme found me there and his presence brought me peace and comfort though I still would have liked to resist the sharing of these bare emotions if I could have."

Interrupted

Please please read this book and allow it to change your life. It's far-past time to do something.

"This is what God taught me through Judas at Jesus' table, eating the broken bread that was His body: We don't get to opt out of living on mission because we might not be appreciated. We're not allowed to neglect the oppressed because we have reservations about their discernment. We cannot deny love because it might be despised or misunderstood. We can't withhold social relief because we're not convinced it will be perfectly managed. Must we be wise? Absolutely. But doing nothing is a blatant sin of omission. turning a blind eye to the bottom on the grounds of 'unworthiness' is the antithesis to Jesus' entire mission."

"He became the offering for people who would slander His name with ferocity, yet His grace was theirs for the asking until they drew their last breaths, even if all they could offer Him was a lifetime of hatred and one moment of repentance."

Jen Hatmaker

"Interrupted"

It's The Great Pumpkin

I love how much we celebrate pumpkins this time of year. I'm not sure where the tradition began (maybe I'll look that up tonight) but I want to give a great big hug to the creative mind who began the grand pumpkin carving tradition. I have no idea what even made me do it tonight but I was inspired to search for unique carvings. Some are silly, some wildly creative, some incredibly

intricate and all totally enjoyable. Thought I'd share.

This next one made me jump a little with giddy joy. It's the death star. Magnificent.
I am going to do this one day.

Help

I need help. I feel like I need a constant companion to go throughout my day with. Someone to help me process ideas and encourage creativity. Right now I can feel things on the inside of me, creativity screaming to get out, but I feel like it's locked away and I am far from finding the key.

It's really a lose/lose with me. When I have all the time in the world to explore my creativity I am fraught with feelings of loneliness and do my absolute best to distract myself every moment of the day, thereby accomplishing little if anything at all.

If anyone has a solution please do make it known.

Love Or Need?

I heard a pastor the other day, (Francis Chan to be precise) pose the question "would you still desire Jesus if you were promised a life with the ones you love, no threat of pain or disease or hurt in any way, just happiness and peace?" In essence if you took away the "need" for Jesus would you be satisfied without him? 

In bare naked honesty, I have really had to think about this. With guilt in my heart, I have been pondering. Do I love Jesus because I need Him, because He rescues me from myself and gives me hope in a hopeless world, or because He is my Father and friend, so close to my heart that I would miss Him if He were gone? Do I know Him well enough to miss the sound of His voice, the way He can make me laugh, our deep conversations and our silly ones, and all of the type of things I would miss if some earthly one who is dear to me passed away?

I began to think of our first parents. Created in the midst of perfection. There was no "need" for God in the fact that there was no sin to be rescued from, no brokenness, no hurt, no coping, no stress, no death, no financial lack or need at all, none of the things that we seem to think "I wouldn't know how to deal with ______ without God". He created us simply for fellowship. He does not need us. We do need Him. But do we want Him even more than we need Him? 

A relationship, a deep, known, vulnerable, mutual relationship with an invisible God. We have made it such an unusual thing but we weren't made for anything else. I am so incredibly humbled. 

Daily Decisions

"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day."

~E.B. White

Unwritten Travels

Yes it has been forever since I blogged on my own blog. There has been no time. I am trying to rediscover myself at this point. In the busyness of life as a "grown-up" I spend very little time cultivating my own creativity anymore. 

I have just begun a book that a friend of mine wrote and it is perfect for this moment in my life. It is called "Unwritten Travels" and from the introduction alone my heart fluttered with the anticipation of going deeper into who I was created to be. It is a beautifully constructed guide to your own life. It is filled with thought-provoking questions that cause you to pause in the midst of life as you know it and re-connect with everything that makes you 'you'. I highly recommend it and I'm so excited to continue on my journey but pacing myself because I don't want it to end. You can find it at wwww.unwrittentravels.com

I admit I am frustrated with our financial position in life right now and seeing how I am held back from so many things that I'd like to do because of money. I really want a garden (like I need another something to take care of right now, lol). I have for a while now, but I don't quite know where to begin and unfortunately our yard doesn't yield any fertile soil - it's mostly rock below. I also have the problem of not wanting to do anything little-by-little. If I don't have the ability to go all out in what I envision, I never start. For now I'l just hang on to my vision and practice putting effort into something that I may not get to pursue this year or this season. 

Loneliness

I saw "Last Chance Harvey" at the movie theater today. It was a sweet movie. Quiet, slow, and sweet. It really spoke to the vulnerability of the human heart and all of the daily heartache and burdens that we grow used to carrying. 

I think I often forget just how lonely people are. How many people live with their thoughts and dreams kept mostly to themselves because there is no one in whom they would trust to care for such precious things. I am abundantly thankful for the husband, family, and friends that I have who listen to those things in my heart. And I invest my prayers and my heart into the many who don't have that. 

I'll listen to anything you want to say :) I'm a good listener.

Trip to the Library

Spontaneity

"Spontaneity is an underappreciated dimension of spirituality. In fact, spiritual maturity has less to do with long-range visions than it does with moment-by-moment sensitivity to the promptings of the Holy Spirit. And it is our moment-by-moment sensitivity to the Holy Spirit that turns life into an everyday adventure. Spiritual growth is a conundrum. The key to spiritual growth is developing healthy and holy routines. We call them spiritual disciplines. But once the routine becomes routine, we need to disrupt it. Why? Because sacred routines become empty rituals when we do them out of left-brain memory instead of right-brain imagination." 

~Mark Batterson